2007 Blows This Popcicle Stand

2007 went out uneventfully. I picked up a shift at a banquet event – purportedly THE party to be at in Minneapolis with 1500 guests. Only 300 or so showed up so it was mind-numbingly boring. Just busing cocktails for the Twin Cities’ pseudo-riche and playing a little game we liked to call, ‘What the fuck is she wearing?’

After midnight, it was a waiting game until the music cut out at 2 a.m. I went up to the third floor balcony and watched the designer dresses squirm on the dance floor. I spent the time trying to contemplate my life, even though the music was thumping beyond loud.

I don’t know what it is about the New Year that makes everyone feel like they need to turn over a new leaf, change, be better people. And what’s worse, people actually think its more possible than other times of the year. As if January will magically bestow everyone with resolve.

I cut a few inches off my hair a few days ago. Just wanted a change. When I told my sister, she said, “New Year, new hair, new you?” I threw up in my mouth a little when she said that. Partly because the prospect nauseated me but also because, yeah, that was in the back of my mind somewhere. Using the same voodoo magic of the January. If I take control and change my hair, I will be able to change other aspects of my life. Personally, I think people change when they want to change, despite the month or haircut. But maybe just the hope of change gives people an edge. Hope's not a bad thing right?

IKEA is like that friend nobody likes but who always buys the booze

Standing in front of shoulder-high stack of squiggle-shaped, red, orange and blue vases, I realized I needed to leave IKEA. Immediately.

A short woman next to me was breathing on my arm as she stretched across for a green bamboo stalk that fit perfectly into the squiggle vases. “Excuse me,” she said in a way that might have been nice if she wasn’t giving me the stink eye. A couple on my left, clutching their big nylon IKEA bags and IKEA tape measures, were debating between three and five of the squiggle vases, because odd numbers are vastly more interesting than even numbers.

My sudden need to escape was sparked by this: I myself was just about to reach for green bamboo stalks - three or maybe five of them. I don’t think anyone wakes up one morning, stretches contentedly and says, “Today I’m going to be a lemming. I’m going to shop where everyone shops, and I’m going to be throw all originality to hell. (Claps hands)”

But despite people’s best intentions, they find themselves in IKEA, throwing elbows to get that not-even-close-to-one-of-a-kind plywood storage unit. It’s very surreal there walking from trendy living room to trendy living room, like a nightmare where you try to run out the door just to find yourself in the same room – only slightly different. Oh God, it’s that sectional sleeper couch, but this time in CHOCOLATE BROWN. RUN.
But they're cheap. You know? CHEAP.